I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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