apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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