I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
