Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
