She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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