come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
