somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
