I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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