I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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