I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
