I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize