It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
