checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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