I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
