The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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