I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
