New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
