The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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