She's JV to your varsity
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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