He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
