Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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