went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
