The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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