dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
