I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
