every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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