Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
