The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize