well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize