Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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