ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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