he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Randomize
