I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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