My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
