I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
