The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
we're so committed to being not committed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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