3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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