and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
