when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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