In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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