could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
