Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there was a trapeze. enough said
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
