I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
