Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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