new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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