between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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