By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
