you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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