is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
