Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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