I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
