Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
