cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize