so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
