If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
