I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
